Seeking to Own Who I Am

By: Annette Diamantopoulos

"Love, which created me, is what I am." ~A Course in Miracles

So often life pushes in on us and we fall into the crisis of a mind wanting to know for sure:

What is life really about?
Why am I here?
How do I bring myself to the world?

Though these great, sweeping thoughts and desires fuel the fire of our soul, without awareness they can push us deeper into a fear [full] of identity, masking the unconditional, shared identity that's just lying here, waiting to be discovered, remembered and returned - Love.

How I know it well! ... this swelling, this longing. But, when this mind grips too passionately to the identity of 'teacher', I'm pushed farther away from 'being' Teacher, which causes much suffering to myself and those around me.

This misunderstanding - that you have to 'do' something or 'have' something to 'be' someone - is what disallows whatever shift to take place to take place -- that being gripped by the idea of it (passionate emotions) or tethered to the destination of it (goal) at the exclusion of the process that is integrating it is what keeps us from becoming it.

Who could believe it?

And so, it seems that this is the crux of the problem: when we believe that we are 'what' we project, we become subject to the conditions of that object, and we lose contact with the unconditional power of Love.

Why is awareness so important?

If the biggest problem that we all face is that we believe in the power of the object (rather than in the transformational power of its potential), then our greatest opportunity is in the recognition of the tendency or habit which impedes the higher power of this potential.

When we forget our shared potential (when we feel hurt, fearful, or are in discomfort) and notice this forgetfulness, our soul receives an opportunity to get this power inside of itself - to strengthen the torque - to own it - to action, to speak, to say, "this is the most important thing to me!" and to say it without any fear of judgment, shame or impunity.

It's like a generator: the more difficulty, the more strength; the more energy, the more power!

The struggle is what proves that I AM - that I exist, for alone there could be no struggle; it's also what enhances what I AM so that I can move forward because I become stronger because of all the things I struggled through, offering me the opportunity to bring diligence and patience, to receive confidence and a sense of agency.

Everything is integral, building blocks of power that come together to transform all future experiences. To deny any of them, especially the ones that make me feel small, would mean to deny the foundation of my future - Love's freedom, the opportunity to resonate purpose.

I can't tell you how crazy rich this realization was - this clarity promised gold!

It was an unfolding of Earthly Time.

It was no surprise, then, that it would be alchemized through a Shamanic Journey led by my dear friend, spiritual sister, and powerful Life Coach, Nellie Ng. We had gathered with other courageous sisters with the intention of knowing the Ally who could answer the question: What do I need to burn away?

At first, my mind 'tried to figure out from where this question came. My brows furrowed; and, the constriction was a clear sign that this was not something to 'igure out, but to 'feel beyond' what I believed or thought possible.

And so, I surrendered. I relaxed the need to know 'where' the question came from or 'what' it would return and allowed the sound of her drum to loosen the earth as the hum of her voice guided me to the Portal of Knowing nestled between the giant roots of a sacred Galatian Oak.

I made my way down its thick shoot - its prickly hairs offering me a solid grip while the smell of fertile soil filled my lungs - and, when I reached its end, I found an urn filled with oil (an ancient pithos held by a base with three legs). I instinctively dipped my fingers into its surface, then touched the space between my eyes - turning them clockwise three times - then overarching over my left brow, around its temple, and down under my eye, in an infinity loop, then crossing in the middle and arching again over my right brow.

A path appeared and I proceeded forward into a darkness lit with each step forward, when, almost immediately, appeared an owl. As instructed, I stopped, "Are you my ally?" It nodded, Confirmation!

I then asked, "What should I burn away?" and the owl responded, "Who!"

Dumbfounded by the irony of the response, I tamed my mind and asked again, and again, it repeated, "Who!" By the third time, I had relaxed my body, cleared my mind, and opened my heart which transported me to the words of my student: "realize more about the question and find words to articulate these new understandings."

I began to investigate - "who" do I believe I am? - "who" am I trying to be? - "who" am I intentioned to become? - and without any effort, the path began to shift its form and burn:

First, it appeared like a rope bridge (one that I crossed during a hike to the Jenolan Caves through the foothills of the Blue Mountains of Australia), which challenged a forgotten fear. And, then, it took on the shape of a photo of myself burning in from all edges (OK, I have been binging watching "Little Fires Everywhere" on Hulu). And finally, it began burning away the darkness from its center (inspiring the memory of the sun peeling away the fog during a snowshoe hike of miraculous heights in the Alps).

This transportation left me here, at the center of knowing.

And I was called to and struck by the words of Paul the Apostle in Galatians 1:7:11, "For I would have you know, brothers, that the gospel that was preached by me is not man’s gospel." And I understood this to mean that what he was sharing was not a personal perception of Paul, rather, it was from the greatest impersonal shared Source.

In this way, Paul was a vessel of the love that made him - a pithos carrying our shared identity, anointed with words of peace and unity, in the service of truth, empowered by freedom returned a thousandfold.

And in this liberation, the path of holiness was open to all, and in this Love, we had no identity but LOVE.

This is who I AM!

Who I AM cannot be willed upon the world. And, no human being can save me, make me happy or erase my pain.

I AM who you are and when we remember this Love we come together in miraculous ways! We remember that we are all a part of and contributing to the evolutionary process called Earth, Mother, Gaia, Home.

..of which, Baba Maharajji pointed, there is only one!

"Sub Ek, Sub Ek, Sub Ek."