finding nemo: when boys become men
it wasn't a place where i could arrive. there was no indication that i was here. all there was, was an instant of awakening - where all the information was seen in clarity, without obstructions.
there was wide view, totality and trust in what lay beyond the perimeters of sight. this is what made these experiences so important - so saturated with truth - and in harmony with my whole self.
somewhere between then and here, my little boys have become men. were it not for the passage of time, i would not have been able to see this change in such contrast -- time, in this way, can be quite helpful.
what i notice most is that no matter what's going on, regardless of what they appear to have become, the essence of that little boy is constant, unchanging, infinite and very much alive.
i see in in my father, my brother, my husband and in the eyes and smiles of my male friends. i see it in the postman as he whistles down the sidewalk, in the young, bearded hipster at starbucks, in the gait of my lawn mower slinging neighbors and in the face of the stranger a few months ago who screamed profanities at me but who then melted away as he realized his own error.
i've had many beautiful, powerful, experiences and memories with the men: the sound of my brother's voice in the darkness of our shared room as children, and how it still continues to soothe my fears; my father's unfailing generosity and humility ... how his love still spills out of the slits of his joyful, shining eyes; friendships that have supported my intellect, appreciated my compassionate heart and tested my limits, that have brought me resilience, confidence and gratitude; and, the fearless expression of my sons who remind me of the continuous flow of life and of our unfailing connection and unconditional love.
yes... i've connected with some very interesting and loving men during my lifetime; they've shown me much joy and also much pain -- enduring, yet, hard lessons to learn and also much suffering that was difficult to heal and understand.
this was the confusion between the trust of my young, eternally generous spirit and the confidence of my experiences.
it's my husband who's helped me to bridge this gap. after 25 years, it hasn't been a seamless ride, but, what i know for sure is that i wouldn't trade this journey or those feelings for anything else - to do so, would be to deny this experience and miss out on the gift of what it's revealed to me.
there's much my husband is and has been - undeniably a loving, dynamic and supportive father and husband and friend. yet, it's the infinite qualities of his essence and boyhood - his curiosity and mission for adventure - that have reminded and helped me to taste, touch and hear the world.
these are the qualities that have shown me that my happiness is my responsibility - it doesn't belong to another - and that wonder is the splendor of being alive ... that we can touch and see god everywhere - whether at 18,000 feet above sea level or at the ocean's floor, he resides in the stillness within me - that perseverance is learned by facing my fears.
now, for the most part, i didn't see these lessons coming, and, often, i didn't like the way these gifts were wrapped, but not too long after, i woke up to the qualities of whole self that joyfully lead us to the summit of our infinite potential, and i paused in the clarity of our greatest power - using the result of our experiences as the path.
what i have understood is that what i seek is not somewhere else or in the power of another - it's in the trust and friendship of my own experiences and all that have crossed my path - that the independent nature that's within is the catalyst for adventure... it has never left me.
... that while searching outside ourselves and in our experiences for nemo, what we actualize is our omen - the divine message from god and the signaling of the advent of change.
Living Meditation: we are complete when we accept and integrate all experience
every 'thing' is energy and all energy is in continuos flow - it is inclusively in a state of flux and transformation. but, the essence of who we really are is constant, eternal ... infinite; it trusts in the states of self - curiosity, compassion, connection, courage - that accept and integrate all experience, revealing our purpose and allowing us to be fully alive.
what memories inspire curiosity, compassion, joy and connection?
what makes you feel alive? what makes your heart sing?
what do you 'know' which needs no words or explanation?