Til’ Death Do We Part.
Life and death: they are one, at core, entwined. Who understands himself from his own strain presses himself into a drop of wine and throws himself into the purest flame. ~Rainer Maria Rilke
Everyone around me is dying. Young and old. Far and near. Right or wrong. No escape.
And I notice,“Although death has not happened to ‘me’ or my life, dying is happening around and within ‘me’; and, this awakens all sorts of feelings, especially tender memories of my mom that want to keep parts of her alive and also those that want to be put to rest.
She left this world a fraction of herself, without the memories that brought meaning and connection to her life. I try imagine what that must have felt like - perhaps there was a freedom in the death of the responsibility to those memories, and perhaps the fear of being untethered to any memory was a living death.
We waited quite a while for her headstone - the Pandemic funneled us into a limbo of unbaptized souls and pagan philosophers - and my dad was especially agitated and frustrated while waiting. Waiting was an inferno. He wanted to mark the spot and declare that her life had much meaning (which caused him much suffering). It said:
Above our heads, Beneath our feet, and Within our hearts.
And, I thought about this today - 40 days after my Uncle’s passing (like the length of Jesus' time of trial in the desert) - how a tombstone declares the Gospel of our Ministry, tells the stories that make this person meaningful and beloved - of the ways this love was awakened within us through their aliveness.
And, I thought about how we erect monuments, mark the spot to identify the identities that pass through our lives - the ones in history that lead us into new frontiers - and how they are intended to immortalize what most defines us at that particular moment.
We erect this memorial not for the dead, for the dead know not that they are dead - have no need to be wholly certain. We erect it for the living ache inside ourselves that longs to be remembered, the one that doesn’t trust it is memorable enough.
As humans, we cannot accept a world without meaning - we are impelled to write upon it, just as we do upon a tombstone … which often becomes the death of us and the freedom for those that are alive – those grieving and compelled to return over and over again to confirm the meaning of this life … and this death.
We mark the spot because healing needs time and a place to rest.
Meaning is found in the body of life (in the body of compassion), and is not encapsulated in objects or individuals; it rises from beneath to meet the above and is returned via a closed, interdependent conservation system. This system is encoded with cosmic and divine laws of responsibility called Love that operate through the union of gravity (relativity) and grace (absolute), which, in turn, cultivate qualities like forgiveness, compassion, and patience.
When we abide in this Truth, we are in constant communication with the ones we love and can avoid existential anxieties that seek meanings, models, and beliefs revolving around death to define us. Instead, we attend to the living.
After all, what meaning can life ‘have’ when one is denied the power to choose one’s response?
We can see the divisive behavior that these beliefs have the potential of producing and becoming … when we choose an idea over reality. And, in light of this understanding, we recognize that it is the “recognition of meaninglessness that arouses [such] intense anxiety,” in what A Course in Miracles calls, “the separated ones”.Indeed, when we are unaware of our union, we are unable to be aware of the freedom of accountability and the potential of this response to transform, transfigure, and transport our love.
Meaning is here, beneath our feet - in the experiences that hold wisdom and the relationships that task us to use it.
Meaning is here within our words, and the desires that utter them - embodied in The Story of Me and You that I am defending and declaring.
Meaning is here in the actions that uphold the codes of what Love is, and reveal what Love is not.
Love is not fearful. Love is fearless. Love does not exclude and love saves no one. How do we save someone from grief!?
This is why the natural course of grief is so tidal and very vital; it reveals the resonance and gravity of this loss to families, friends, and the world; and it graces us with the gratitude to be alive - to have known, and to honor this part of ourselves.
Because, when we do not honor what this pain is pointing toward, we crucify others, and seek defense and salvation - we become trapped in grief.
Acceptance honors the devastating reality of losing someone we love - shrapnel and a thousand cuts! But, when we accept, the more fearful thoughts calm - the more fear settles into its proper place in the body - and the more at ease and steady we feel - for we understand, as Christ did at the vital moment of Direct Awakening in his words:
“Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.” Luke 23: 44-46
What I am (Love) is Eternal - the person I lost whom I love is Eternal. The effects of this loss are real, measurable and painful, however what I long for is immeasurable and instantly accessible through this Eternal, Loving Emotion and Spirit.
Love lets you know that you are OK exactly as you are, even under the deepest darkest circumstances, for you are the freedom, peace, and love that you seek.
This doesn’t mean that your “person” is perfect - or that the beliefs about your True Identity are accurate. When we believe this way, we lose faith, cling to the objective nature of our memory, and we die all over again.
But it does mean that Love trusts that we are showing up the best we can, and this is enough to hold us as we grieve, gravitate, and grace our way back into the life that is waiting to be lived.