The Look of Love.

“We are born of love. Love is our Mother.” ~ Rumi

I have grown so much through this role of motherhood. In many ways, being offered the opportunity to choose for my boys also presented me with the opportunity for a do-over – to give them the attention, comfort, and predictability that I didn’t have growing up.
 
At first, it looked like I thought it was “supposed” to look: like sports, languages, playdates, tutoring, church, class mom. Well, I got burnt out “trying” to make up for what my parents couldn’t possibly offer me as struggling immigrants, and, by the time I was in my late thirties, life felt like “crap” – I was overweight, sluggish, depressed, went into early perimenopause, and got hit with debilitating cluster migraines.

Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with any of these wonderful opportunities for my children, but the “idea” of them (that there was something my children needed outside our family) made me fearful that somehow I wasn't “enough” (brought back memories of the times when my parents didn't seem to have enough) and deprived me of what my inner child most treasured – space to find out I was OK.

Comfort always trumped content!

As a latchkey kid of the 70’s, I was lonely when my mom wasn't home to comfort me after a hard day, but, I turned toward the next best comfort - my Self, that curious, creative child who was out discovering the world!
 
Whether I was up in a tree or pulling debris from Joey Spina's house to build a fort, picking up a game of dodgeball down the street, making chocolate chip cookies, breaking in my new glove with my bro, or at home alone transforming trash into a new treasure, I was free.
 
I wasn’t looking for something to fill my time, rather my creativity was expanded when I chose what was most spontaneous over any idea about what to do. I was exercising my free will and putting it in the service of my Soul.
 
And so, it took a while to disentangle myself from what I thought made a "good" mom - to become my best self, which was, by no coincidence, my "best" mom.

For our family it meant limiting sports to one team sport per season with swimming lessons bridging the seasons, one language, and one officially organized “playdate” per week – the rest was time for homework, picking up a game of manhunt after dinner, and discovering their passions.
 
Sundays were, by far, the best!

This is when we all communed (with God) in whatever way was most spontaneously available: Luca mastering a new tune on the piano by ear, Matteo meticulously editing his fishing video on YouTube, Bill out for a long ride with his friends and me, typing away the bubbling thoughts and feelings that desired shape and expression.

Raised as Greek Orthodox, I tried to bring the boys to church on Sundays - that was another "thing" I thought I was "supposed" to do - but I quickly discovered that what I most valued about church was a cultural connection and that God was right here, in our space with our hearts singing and in the amazing meals that Bill and the boys would cook that brought us together at the end of the day!

This was not an easy decision and my parents felt hurt that I didn’t believe as they did, but I had to trust the sense of unity that having space gave me and how that for me was God.
 
Before this realization, I said Yes to all the parties the kids were invited “to”, but after, I had to start limiting the time spent with individuals with whom I did not want to share my time and attention, stop spreading myself too thin, and make myself available, instead, to go to the gym — being fundamentally OK with not having to be a “part” of everything that was going on.
 
There was a sense of privacy and loyalty to my decisions. Ignorance of whatever else everyone else was doing, was bliss – opened more space to explore, discover, and connect in other ways. I trusted the values that Bill and I shared which served our Souls. And when we served our Souls (which had no fear or feelings of "less than" or "not enough") we also served the Souls of our sons.

The greatest gift a parent can give their child is their attention and presence and the space to find their own.

Attention is the reward upon which all behavior is built and all behavior serves what we believe is valuable.  It's a brain gig: it means that when our child feels safe physically they seek next to feel safe emotionally. In this way, we bear responsibility for the emotional resilience of our children, directly in how we respond or react to life and indirectly in the ways that we protect their attention.

Because they have been devouring us with their eyes since the day they were born, watching our moves and listening to our words, mirroring our behaviors and social skills, and learning how to Love.

Our children learn to love themselves by the ways we show ourselves Love. 

And, when we put a cell phone in their hands too soon - knowing that it causes harm, knowing that it takes away their sense of presence and agency, knowing that their brain is being rewired in ways that do not serve their Soul but that make them anxious and lost - when we know and do not act, it is a sign that we are the source of the dysfunction - we have agreed to the terms, given our power away - and it is like putting OXY in their hands. 

As mothers, we are the gatekeepers - we are the portal. And, here is our power Source - to create safe spaces and choose opportunities for our children to thrive. To give them back the power of their attention and accountability - to return them to their SOUL and set them free from the ideas of rewards that have nothing to do with LOVE. 

It starts with YOU, as "mother", no matter "what" it is that you give birth "to" - a child or an idea or a belief. Even if you are male, do not shun the compassion, caring, and comfort of the Mother from which you were created and from “what” you expand your life.

We must show our children "how" by actioning ourselves with this knowledge in ways that cause change - to show our children that it begins from within to trust them and who they have always been and to allow them space to become.

Blessings! Blessings! Blessings to the Power of the Divine! … to creation on all dimensions and realms and inhabit the Heart.🙏