I Was Made for This.
As long as I can remember, I’ve been in love with the relationship, contrast and beauty of, well, everything - all objects and subjects, people and places, colors and textures, thoughts and emotions. It was spacial awareness noticing patterns with a precision that mused an Inner Renaissance:
If I found a magazine in the trash, I made a vision board - if I was bored, I’d scribble in my textbook and find a ship to sail away - and if I felt overwhelmed by what I couldn’t remember, I took refuge in the knowing that I could find what I needed in the clutter of this drawer — this trash, this aisle, this moment and this spark in my imagination.
It was automatic. I could relax my gaze, see vibration (with my inner and outer senses) and then concentrate, with confirmation and satisfaction, on the task that was pulsing through my hands. These hands and this Heart! … the way they touch these thoughts one-by-one, weaving them into the surface of my reality.
Just yesterday, frustrated, Bill presented me with an emptied box of wetsuit clips that he just couldn’t get back in the box. My husband, Chicken Little, one of the few that recognized the quality of ethics and behaviors leading to the Great Recession in 2007, couldn’t see the pattern that would put the chaotic pile of clips in order?!
Ok, in his defense, he did have the Flu and a fever. However, even under the best circumstances, when things don’t make sense it’s asking for a broader kind of sense - one unaffected and unidentified by the ego and it’s pursuit toward biggering and bettering it’s personal brand. It’s asking us to surrender to the Soul in such a way that whatever comes fits.
Seeing through chaos is a lot like that, no matter the dimension, it’s asking to “be handled” through full awareness. When we see through one dimension exclusively, we become trapped in suffering (in the thought, “I can’t see how to do this”), loose sight of the intention (put in order) and then meaning shifts (“I can’t, I suck”) in a way that isolates us from any satisfaction (seeking help).
Though painful, as I surrendered to the physical and psychological moments and memories that felt chaotic in my life - they transformed into a spidey sense that codified emerging patterns within an ever flexing network of shapes and forms, needs and wants.
I discovered this sense of process early on as a teenager working after school at the Atlas 5 & 10, where I understood that selling needed organization (thoughts) and accuracy (emotions), that merchandising needed a story (purpose), and that the seller needed a kick-ass mantra, like, “If we don’t have it, you don’t need it.” The owners, Mr. and Mrs. Feiler, were Holocaust survivors, and there was no doubt that their personal struggle brought together a menage of objects that would vibe in kind - satisfy any need and any connection with care.
Navigating the narrow aisles required patience, and contained many small and large things needed to finish and complete small projects in and around the home or replace fundamentals. It wasn’t really a place of “wanting” ribbon (that was sold by the yard) as much as needing it for a costume or a hair ribbon to match a dress.
No matter, no one left with something that they didn’t need and this was my mission.
I remember my first day jitters of not knowing what to expect and the surprise when put in the toy aisle. After the normal lay of the land, and light soft skills training with customers (that I had honed babysitting and helping my dad in the diner), I was off into the stockroom, then back on the floor dismantling the aisle and created the best darn vignettes the store had every seen! I was both mesmerized and intrigued by the infinite variations the peg board and metal rods could provide, it was a creative Mecca.
Within weeks, sales doubled, then tripled and before long, the Feiler’s gave trusted me with the register and gave me the prestigious job of merchandising one of their windows.
Windows are magic! Kids would ride their bikes and search through the mobile of toys suspended on invisible threads. Yeah, there were catalogues of toys from Sears and such, but they had nothing on the 3D experience of being so up close and personal, the unseen purpose activated when we touched an object with our desire. The tension would activate dreams and we would use our imaginations to find ways to make money so we could buy what we wanted.
And, I loved all of it - a five and dime store, Bloomingdales, Seton Hall University - no matter! I could be lugging fifty pound boxes of shoes on my shoulders in high heels, unpacking (ideas), trying on (beliefs), stocking (wisdom), merchandising (intention), and finally selling (bliss). I loved the process and knew that item so intimately that I could share the details of that intimacy with my clients (my students, teachers, family and friends).
There was no denying that I was made for this - counting and accounting, replenishing and satisfying, sorting and selling, telling and transforming - and it took a lifetime to understand the Source and Force of this purpose, to finally accept my gifts.
Understanding the Relationship of the Variables of Creation: Life is the Thought. The World is the Object. You are the Subject. As the subject of this life, I cannot help but seek to define my purpose through the objects that I bring near and as its “ob”server, recognize the purpose left unseen. In the case of Bloomingdales, my external value was “based” on how quickly I was able to bring the object being sought to my client and how quickly I became available for the next.
However, inter-relationally, the customer’s trust in me grew each time I listened closely, and the confidence in myself deepened each time I responded authentically.
When a client came in for a black skirt, I knew every black skirt in the store - Juniors and Women’s, RTW and Haute Couture. I knew because I tried on every skirt by every designer (who, back then, always strived to be accurate and true to its cut and sizing). That reliability made me efficient. I exuded confidence and I also dressed the part.
What is unequivocal, is that I’v been doing what I do my entire life - putting things in order, creating inviting, nourishing and relaxing environments. And I could do this anywhere - in my sock drawer, in my classroom, in the recesses of my mind — all I needed to do was let go and take a step back from what appeared and allow that light of awareness to shine through.
And that’s what I’m asking of you, “If you feel stuck, take a step back from ‘what’ is troubling you or from what is gripping your attention, and let what you are shine through you - all of you, the good, the bad and the ugly; and then honor every moment knowing intimately that this moment holds what you put “in” it (these motives, emotions and desires).
That means putting down whatever idea you have about this relationship - this new job, this boss, this system, this belief or this book - and opening up space for awareness, for understanding your gifts. That means reading all the way through to the end, not following someone else’s shortcuts, and writing longhand, finding ways to infuse what’s been ingested onto the canvas of your life.
Because, nothing has changed about where your path is suppose to go; and you can no longer ignore or dismiss any personal part of your life, because that is how we gear our bodies to do service - to be what we are.
This also requires not confusing the maladaptive beliefs or misunderstandings of our childhood with what drives us to see ourselves in the world. Because, the “wound is in that age space but has zero to do with path you are following”.
This is what I’ve learned:
It’s all up to me. I am the authority that says what I will do. When I looked into that trash, drawer, pile, no one was with me. I was alone. Whatever I saw came from me, from my own experiences. The Universe didn’t show me how, I just knew how, or learned how from my errors.
The Universe won’t tell me. I don’t need to wait for a sign or circumstance to tell me it’s time. Its’ up to me. I pick which (book) comes first. What matters is that I pick one - that I bring motion from this mind and heart through these hands. There is nothing that can take away from our experience, only something that can veil it.
Don’t allow any circumstance to be more important than that space. If you do not create space in your mind, heart or spare bedroom, you will fel deprived. Be your creative space. Start first by getting it on paper, redecorating a room, organizing a draw.
Don’t worry about the rest. Trust the cycle. Open up space for failure. Stop waiting for someone else to decide for you and trust the process.
I learned this over time, so I know that it is not easy to dedicate a space for creativity and purpose when it’s someone else’s purpose. But when we dedicate a space to this spirit, there is a liberation that motivates us to be free from any attachment, to go beyond the boundaries of what we believed was true and to finally confide in the world for ‘what’ we were made.🙏