A Blog NOT About Being Positive or Having Goals

Our being does not become peaceful through effort, practice, or discipline. It is simply no longer veiled by the content of experience and, as such, stands revealed as it essentially is.

~ Rupert Spira

I sat down with the intention to give my attention to this moment “as is”, also called God - to the transparent, boundless, loving space that precedes any institutional idea or theoretical concept. I was on day 14 of Forgiveness in a Course in Miracles and there was still something holding on tight - to some way of being.

I rang the yoni bowl (feminine, second creativity chakra), then the lingam (masculine, seventh crown chakra) then the 6th, third eye chakra, and allowed the electromagnetic field called “Me” to attune, confluence, and connect what I desired - to Be True to what I’ve been experiencing - agitation, resistance, and overall disquietude.

Again, this feeling of wanting to be alone washed over me – to push all obligation away - to part open the past and future like Moses at the edge of the Red Sea – to lead my “peeps” and these voices in my head through its passage and allow the sea to spill back in when they’re safely on the other side.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Bill has spent the past week crossing off stuff on his to-do list – important things like attending to our home safety - checking batteries and changing filters, and blowing out the last vestige of leaves onto the street. He also has a 2023 goal list by category that is steady and ready.

Like a classic Taurus, he’s most efficient when motivated by a target - clearly delineated, sorted goals, many of which necessitate my participation. That’s when he charges at me, pushing to get my commitment to something six months ahead because he wants to check it off his list and get a rush of certainty. And, that’s usually when I get all Capricorn on him - standing my ground, unwilling to budge until I am good and ready.

Believe me, I wanted to start this new year with something positive, exciting, motivational, and useful just like Bill. But, every time I compare my goals - this “diagrammatic” to his “hierarchical schematic”, I feel less than. When I think about downloading the future, I’m exhausted. And I know I need to do something because my post-Covid habits haven’t served this body.

But, the truth is, I’m still grieving and this grief is demanding my attention in a way that is very healing but also exhausting: Healing because it’s calling upon all of me to be present and exhausting because there’s a lot of growing physical and psychological resistance.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t want to travel or see friends or anything like that, it’s just that there’s something here, right now, in my inner space, that needs more time to move (though it’s not “in” time); and it’s asking for something beyond my idea about what this year should look like or what it will be filled with.

This grief is not guilt, though guilt clouds my ability to reach my grief as it seeks to extend its usefulness.

To this I say, No thank you!

In my heart of hearts, I know my mom didn’t choose Alzheimer’s but she did choose how she wanted to leave this earth. The way she wanted to die was sacred and our family honored her wishes rather than assuage our own.

What I feel is guilt disguised as regret and this is what it sounds like:

If only we didn’t send her to that Hospital.

If only we had worn a mask that day when the aid came over.

If only I hadn’t hired her.

If only I tried harder or known more about it.

If only Covid didn’t happen.

If only I spent more time enjoying my mom than taking care of her.

(this last one being the most honest of them all).

If only, if only, if only….

Regret is like a rip tide pulling me farther and farther away from where I want to be - banished from this freedom that’s always available, that which is free even from the conditions of this body. Regret says that I have no control over what this means or how I feel.

And, get this — it sucks the life out of this Holy Instant!

These grievances of regret disguised as grief are attacking me!

The point of any of this - these words and the time and careful application of how they are intentioned to be used - the whole point is that by reading it, by entering this well of being and traveling together, you recognize the ways that this experience is also happening to you.

These stories I’m sharing are not meant to describe how it ‘should’ be for you, but, rather, to evoke.

Maybe it doesn’t appear as a family member or friend suffering or struggling with a loss (of health, freedom, peace of mind, financial independence). Maybe it’s the guy at the restaurant that you were trying to make a reservation with who didn’t seem to care about you, or maybe it was the child in you that felt hurt when dad didn’t say “Happy birthday” right away, or maybe it’s that absent parent that called you a “Karen” when you were brave enough to speak up about the dangerous behavior of their child - the point is that it’s all an opportunity to respond and that none of this is “bad” or even “good.”

The idea of “good and bad” is the rip tide itself!

Regret is real when it has an audience, and the quality of the audience will determine the quality of the result. The word means to “meet the dead” (to face the past). When we don’t, we’re haunted. Because when whatever was happening was happening, we weren’t able to be present – we were in some state of denial or overwhelm, or fear or anger, or defense or despair or disbelief – we lost touch with our Being.

The mind dissociates - splits.

For this reason, returning to the past is not through the mind, though all experience travels with and because of it. This return is through the Heart - God’s Being. When we see that none of what we think we see is real until made real by judgment when we are present in this realization, something shifts.

We’re talking courage, compassion… vulnerability!

This doesn’t “mean” that cancer in the cells is not real or that you are in some way at fault for something that happened to your body of life without your permission or foreknowledge. This is the mind processing judging -again.

It’s that when we’re present in this holy instant, we’re returned to an opportunity to heal – to Atone - to see that all there ever is this moment, and how we arrive in this moment.

I believe in positive affirmations just as I believe in the power of words; they set in motion all intentions. But the moment we try to use it to undo something or predict the future or block out this instant is the moment we disconnect from its power.

And that’s tricky, remember the ego and the party and pile of coats?

Ego will try on many coats, tempt you and deceive you and cause you to blame others – call them heretics and witches using new words and fancy theories, creating new potions and spells of conspiracy.

Be assured that we will be met in how we use these words and wield this sword: as a hero traveling through a journey, a warrior compelled to the battlefield, or an angel fighting evil and becoming evil itself? Only when we can see this playing out in ourselves can we begin to unravel the grief that is still stuck.

This idea that freedom exists beyond this thought is an identity.

All ideas are identities. That’s how human beings travel – these are stepping stones to awakening, fundamental schema, and the developmental milestones of our human race. And though we must step firmly upon them, we must also be unwavering in our destination – Love.

I don’t know what this looks like for you, but I do know that the word ‘should’ is not a part of the equation. Still, do look into “what” you believe about your fundamental true nature and notice what doesn’t quite fit, and then apply that realization to regret.

You don’t need to make the correction, all you need is to notice the error; if you meet this with love – acceptance, non-judgment, curiosity, and openness - Self-correction happens automatically. In the same way, our goals cannot support the needs, ideas, beliefs, suppositions, and expectations of others. That’s when you are no longer living your life, no longer living your truth, and stuck saying, “I’m not enough - I can’t, I won’t, I shouldn’t…..”

It seems like every time I want to be “good” - to be loving, to be thin, to be validated, to be smarter - I’m just not!

Instead, I’m snapping at Bill who’s been changing batteries for an hour and a half – while I’m “trying” to read, to learn, to write, and “be good” while the alarm right next to me is blaring every minute or so – Warning, warning, carbon monoxide detected, warning! Warning, warning, warning!

Jeez!

It seems that wanting to be good is subtly declaring that I am not good enough and that seems to bring out the bad in me!

Go figure!