these words no longer i am

 

“again I’m within myself. i walked away, but here i come sailing back, feet in the air, upside-down, as a saint when he opens his eyes from prayer: now. the room, the tablecloth, familiar faces… listen, if you can stand to. union with the friend means not being who you’ve been, being instead silence: a place: a view where language is inside seeing”. ~ rumi

 

how much more must i write?
there’s nothing – nothing coming
no words!

 

where shall i search for them and where will i find them?

 

… under a rock, in a bush or within the ocean’s breath?
under my pride, in my mind’s eye or, perhaps, within the toe of my left shoe?

these words! where have they gone?

 

they fail me. they defeat me. they betray me. they disembody me. they flay me – peel me open and reveal me
exposed by the confessional of this screen.

 

what do they want from me? what do they hold for me?
are they even real?

 

i am pulled close and then pushed away
a current of emotion ushering me towards the yawning gap.
while a part of me wants to hold them
to carry them far and wide as if they have something to say
to meet the earth, to be absorbed
to be whispered in the ear of my awakened soul.

 

are these words even erupting properly on the screen?
or will i find with eyes wide shut
that all is jumbled together – knots tied tight
a dead end without a bottom.

 

every letter and every sound infinitely uttered,
never mine
alone.

 

no! what i am is not “contained between my hat and boots”.
what i am is more than any word can point to
more than any sound can confirm.

 

better to cut my losses and move ahead.
these words no longer i am!

 

 


the power and emptiness of words
have you ever said something with regret? or, perhaps held on tightly to other words to show as proof, used them as sword or to justify a reward?  this is a futile tug of war – the pushing and pulling of an egoic mind trying to define and grasp its existence.
the ego tries to push it’s identity forward through the words it chooses – to move ahead in the line – quickly learning that the universe will reflect this belief right back … narcissus caught in his reflection.
and, the words chosen by our egos reflect exactly how we feel about ourselves, believing we are what they point to – that ‘i am here what i look like there” – managing our image with carefully edited costumes and dialogues.however, the words chosen by spirit have no interest in ‘who’ we believe ourselves to be or in ‘how’ the world tells us we should look.
words are a mere and distant reflection of what we really really are. and, the more words we use, the farther away we seem move from the truth of what we are trying to describe in the first place.
the trick is not to get lost in the mind – lost in the details of the story that keep us apart in ways that impede us from our purpose – from waking up – and in ways which do not benefit the whole.
do you believe in the reality of words?
what kind of world do you want?

think it.

inhale it.

commit to it.

speak it.

BE it.

believe it.

 

 

” We do not recognize the empty nature of words and we become fixated on them as if they were something real.  this is why pleasant words make us happy, and unpleasant words make us unhappy or angry.  these reactions are a sign that we believe in the reality of words.”     ~ kalu rinpoche

 

 

 

“you are not what you look like.” you are not what these words are pointing to  … who you really really are is so much more.

 

 

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